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bredell

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Reply with quote  #16 
I feel for you honey I really do I've been there... The only difference between what you're feeling and how I was feeling is my home wasn't my safe place I was feeling anxiety 24 seven there was no getting away from it ... It was with me wherever I was.. Your anxiety also seems situtional... Meetings seem to be a trigger for you. I was anxious doing everything there was no safe place... Your fear of panic attacks is what's holding you back.. You know that the only way to get over panic is to face it and bring it on... But you have to have a little faith to take the chance... Believe it or not I feel like your not fed up enough. Because if you were you would try anything to get well. That's were I was when I faced my panic I was done trying and in the middle of a panic attack I told it to make me crazy or kill me cause I was so done fighting. You feel awful you've already experienced the worst anxiety can do so why not surrender!
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debby jones
honey915

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Reply with quote  #17 
Quote:
Originally Posted by bredell
I feel for you honey I really do I've been there... The only difference between what you're feeling and how I was feeling is my home wasn't my safe place I was feeling anxiety 24 seven there was no getting away from it ... It was with me wherever I was.. Your anxiety also seems situtional... Meetings seem to be a trigger for you. I was anxious doing everything there was no safe place... Your fear of panic attacks is what's holding you back.. You know that the only way to get over panic is to face it and bring it on... But you have to have a little faith to take the chance... Believe it or not I feel like your not fed up enough. Because if you were you would try anything to get well. That's were I was when I faced my panic I was done trying and in the middle of a panic attack I told it to make me crazy or kill me cause I was so done fighting. You feel awful you've already experienced the worst anxiety can do so why not surrender!


I'm just so scared of it. I have felt it all day at work. That feeling of dread. I know I should face up to the pounding heart but the thoughts come so fast they just stun me!
Serenity

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Reply with quote  #18 
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Originally Posted by honey915
I try not to try but I don't know how to accept without trying! How do you accept gracefully without putting effort into it? I think this is where I'm going wrong.


Yeah, acceptance was/is the hardest part for me, too.  I think finding out what your core underlying fear is: you mentioned a few in your post about work, is worth discovering.  Delve into what your worried mind "What ifs...?" about. 

And then comes the moment of truth, you have to face that fear head on and allow the possibility of it coming to fruition rather than trying to keep it from happening. 

It's not running from the bear (whatever your deep seated fear may be), it's not fighting the bear, it's not freezing and hoping the bear will sniff you, think you're dead and leave you alone...it's lying down and allowing the bear to devour you.  It runs contrary to every survival instinct. 

What if people at work found out you were struggling with anxiety/panic so much?  Would it really be so bad?  They say, "Never let them see you sweat."  I say, "Who cares if they see you sweat?"

If it's fear of judgment or criticism that is an underlying core fear, you can realize that it is a worry, but not an actual real life-ender.  You learn to let go and say, "So what if someone at work judges me for having a panic attack.  I've been living with this for so long, I'm tired of it running my life, it's making me feeling suicidal, I'm not playing this dumb charade any longer.  Irrational fears, you can win.  Let whatever may come, come."

I wish you the very best.  I, once, was suicidal from severe anxiety.  I know how absolutely painful and debilitating it can be.  You don't have to do anything.  Just surrender to your fears and let them "win".  That's the way out of what seems like a trap. 






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"Acceptance should be written on your heart."  ~Dr. Claire Weekes
bredell

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Reply with quote  #19 
Excellent post Serenity! I'm glad you still come around and give such amazing insight.. We've been where so many are now and I'm grateful to have gotten well so I can give back as well!
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debby jones
Serenity

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Reply with quote  #20 
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Originally Posted by bredell
Excellent post Serenity! I'm glad you still come around and give such amazing insight.. We've been where so many are now and I'm grateful to have gotten well so I can give back as well!


Thanks, bredell.  [smile]

I'm kind of in a setback right now so I come back during those and realize I can share what I've learned along the way.  I'm just one beggar showing another beggar where I found the bread!

But I do hate seeing others going through what I did when I was at my worst.  I am fully convinced that no one who hasn't had a severe anxiety disorder will ever really understand how awful it is.  Which can feel very isolating.

Sensitization plays such a cruel trick on the mind, completely distorting reality and causing us to walk around in this weird, dark haze.  But you and I both know now, from our own personal experience, that once the sensitization fades, your normal mind/thinking all just magically come back.  So I just want to offer others hope because that is so lacking when one is smack dab in the midst of the suffering.  I just hate that anyone has to go through this.

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"Acceptance should be written on your heart."  ~Dr. Claire Weekes
honey915

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Reply with quote  #21 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serenity


Thanks, bredell.  [smile]

I'm kind of in a setback right now so I come back during those and realize I can share what I've learned along the way.  I'm just one beggar showing another beggar where I found the bread!

But I do hate seeing others going through what I did when I was at my worst.  I am fully convinced that no one who hasn't had a severe anxiety disorder will ever really understand how awful it is.  Which can feel very isolating.

Sensitization plays such a cruel trick on the mind, completely distorting reality and causing us to walk around in this weird, dark haze.  But you and I both know now, from our own personal experience, that once the sensitization fades, your normal mind/thinking all just magically come back.  So I just want to offer others hope because that is so lacking when one is smack dab in the midst of the suffering.  I just hate that anyone has to go through this.


Yes sensitisation definitely distorts thinking. When I'm rational I think so clearly and my thoughts are light and airy. When sensitised badly I think really weird stuff. It makes me feel weird. Thankyou for you post. You're right there is a core fear surrounding work. I'm scared I'll lose my job and end up in the nuthouse. It is my ultimate fear. Even though years of working through this gives me actual evidence that this is very unlikely to happen.

In the last couple of days I realised I have to let this kill me and really allow the worst to happen. I guess the ultimate worst is a panic attack happening and it never ending or continuously having them. They are so terrifying. I am yet to really let it kill me. I half heartedly say go on kill me but inside I'm like but please don't really kill me!!! I don't have panic attacks as much as anxiety. My anxiety started with attacks out of nowhere. I'd never noticed feeling anxious before that. I was happy go lucky all be it a bit highly strung! It just came from nowhere and I thought I was dying. Then I kept having them. Then I realised it was a problem. Then I took beta blockers for years and the panic turned into chronic anxiety. I reckon if I'd found this method and not been given tablets I'd not be suffering today. The tablets replaced panic with chronic anxiety and a deep seated fear of actual attacks. I don't take beta blockers any more and I understand what panic is which is why the full blown attacks are rare but when they happen it takes weeks to reel from them. Awful. I pray at night (not religious), for strength to face the fear not for a cure. I pray for courage.
Serenity

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Reply with quote  #22 
The background all makes sense, doesn't it?  If you have a core fear of not being able to work and ending up in a mental institution, or having an endless panic attack, it makes complete sense why you're afraid of anxiety/panic...and why it seems to have such a strong hold over you.

You mentioned doing work around this core fear.  I'm wondering if a different therapist might be able to better help you address this issue.  All this time, you've been trying to face the anxiety/panic but with the worry and "What if...?" of losing your job.  I mean, honestly, how would you be able to rid yourself of the anxiety given the potential consequence?

No wonder you're sick of trying!  You've been forging ahead but deep down you are still scared to death of this anxiety/panic "monster" taking you down so that you're unable to work and provide for yourself.  It is my belief that you will continue to struggle unless you really address your fears of losing your job.  Once you are in a place where that fear isn't so great, I think you will find you are much more successful in facing and accepting the panic/anxiety and will find great relief. 

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"Acceptance should be written on your heart."  ~Dr. Claire Weekes
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